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I loved my baby and I had Post-Partum Depression

Thursday, September 08, 2016 3:43 PM | Claire (Administrator)

Have you ever been in a love bubble? Have you ever made dreams, and wishes, and plans in this bubble only to wake up to a different reality?

For five years my husband and I lived in a magical place where unicorns existed, and it was sunny every day. It was in this love bubble that we discussed what life would be like once our baby was born.

When I met my daughter, I immediately fell in love with her. Here was the baby my heart had wished for, and all I wanted to do was to love her and protect her from ever being hurt.

And then - a thought crept in. It was a small thought, but it was explosive. " what if something happened to her?" And immediately a fear that I did not know existed was born within me.

That fear would be the beginning of something that pulled me deep into a very dark and lonely place that I had to fight with all my might to climb out of.

I was in labour for 3.5 days in the hospital before Katelyn was born. It was a rare complication. It was traumatic, and scary, and exhausting. This exhaustion coupled with a fierce fear that developed out of an intense need to protect this baby resulted in intrusive thoughts.

The fear was real and hot and immediate. A lactation consult mentioned to me that I made be experiencing Post-Partum Depression (PPD). Me? No way! PPD was for moms who were sad and didn’t want their babies I thought. This couldn’t be me. I love my baby.

But as much I didn’t want to believe it. It was true

I loved my baby so much I was scared someone would take her away from me. I loved my baby so much I spent a whole day on the first floor of my house because I had an irrational fear that I would fall down the stairs with her. I loved my baby so much; I was worried I would die and wouldn’t be around to protect her. I loved my baby so much I feared almost everything. I ceased to see myself outside of being a protector for my precious baby, and I started to lose myself.

And then I got help. And my perspective on love and fear changed.

Instead of worrying about all the things that could happen to my baby, I started enjoying her. Instead of worrying that something would happen to me, and I wouldn't be around to protect her, I started focusing on my own self-care. Eventually, I was able to let go of the fear because it was only real in my mind.

The most important thing I did, and you can do to beat PPD is to ask for help, know you are not alone and know that you too will thrive.  A list of resources can be found at Postpartum Depression Resources

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