Parent Concern: MY 3 YEAR OLD IS VERY CLINGY TO ME. IF I TRY TO LEAVE THE ROOM, HE SCREAMS AND TRIES TO FOLLOW ME. HE IS ATTACHED TO ME AT THE HIP, EVEN AT HOME. IS THIS NORMAL? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

GENERAL
 It can be quite unsettling and burdensome to have a young child attached to you at all times, particularly when you are trying to get things done.
 Clinginess is a common phase in the early years of life including the preschool age. It typically presents around the age of nine months, peaking at 18 months and becomes less intense over time.

WHY IT HAPPENS
 The causes for clinginess are unique to each child since children handle stress differently. However, common causes may include:
 Illness (e.g. ear infections)
 Temperament (i.e. impulsive desires to be attached to the caregiver)
 Late walker (may be a cause for excessive clinginess)
 Traumatic experiences (e.g. parental divorce, hospitalization, illness or death of a parent, natural disaster)
 Distressing separation or threats of abandonment
 Sudden transitions (e.g. arrival of a new baby, moving to a new home, new day care center)

WHAT TO DO
 In the beginning, you should try to ignore as much of the clinging behaviour as you can.
 Provide great amounts of physical attention (e.g. hugs, kisses, physical contact, and reading books) that will help your child be more secure.
 Allow your child to play independently, but ensure times of social interaction with you and others as well.
 Play hide-and-seek games. Gradually extend the time that you are hidden from view and use the same phrases when you leave and come back from hiding. This helps your child understand that you will always return to him.
 If you need to separate from your child:
 Prepare your child for separation. For example, when he goes to the day care, make sure you introduce him to the teacher before leaving him there on the first school day to help ease the transition.
 Create goodbye rituals like offering a kiss or hug before you leave. You can also try giving your child a small, special stone that he can leave in his pocket as a symbol that you are always there. This can help build your child’s confidence.
 Always be consistent and leave. Do not communicate your own anxiety about leaving since this will certainly not help your child’s anxiety. Reassure your child that you will see him later, say goodbye and leave.
 Find a potential substitute that your child likes and trusts such as a babysitter, friend or sibling.
 When at home, tell your child to play with toys or games to keep him interested in an area in the room while you are in the same room doing something else. This will offer similar support, but not exactly following you everywhere you go in the home. Be sure to talk to your child while you are doing your own activity to encourage moral support. Maintain comforting contact when you are out of view (talk or sing to him). 
 Also when at home, be consistent in telling your child that he cannot come with you into the shower or bathroom. Let him know in a firm tone that you will not be long and tell him he can play by himself in his room or your room or with other family members while you are in there. Offer rewards for the first few times until he lets you go without a fuss.
 Be patient with your child. Offer love and support, especially since he will eventually outgrow it.

WHAT NOT TO DO
 Make sure you are not dependent on your child’s dependence, unconsciously encouraging it. Become aware of your own role and the part you play in your child’s dependence and clinginess.
 Do not rob your child of confidence by being overprotective or offering too much reassurance. Try to find the balance between allowing your child to grow independently while using your help and guidance.
 Do not share your anxiety with your child since he will feel it and become anxious himself.

Additional Concern: If my child still clings onto me despite all my efforts, what should I do?

Conduct your day calmly with your child by your side. Let him hold onto you so that he can see that his efforts to gain attention by this manner fail; he is likely to then give it up.
 Remember that some degree of clinginess is common well into the preschool years.
 Excessive clinginess can be a sign of separation anxiety disorder or other disorders. Consult a health professional should you have any further concerns.

About Dr. Levy

Dr. Maurice Levy is a Pediatrician with 30 years of day-to-day medical experience in hospitals and a pediatric primary care office.  He is the Former Chief of Pediatrics and an active staff member at North York Branson Hospital,Toronto including multiple responsibilities on hospitalized newborns,infants and children and dealing with staff pediatricians along with a multitude of health problems to include nutrition, development and more. At Present Dr. Levy is Head of Research at the Pediatric department at North York General Hospital,Toronto.

Dr.Levy also  has an active pediatric and consultation practice in Toronto, there will be a book on Development and behavior on babies and children coming soon

For more toddler tips and information for the Dr. Levy's books can be found at www.babyandtoddlerhealth.com