Can you live with his faults?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 9:30 PM | Claire (Administrator)

Happy Wednesday Evening fellow mommies,
As promised, the #2 reason why you shouldn't divorce your hubby in the first year of having a baby.

You knew his faults when you married him & you did anyways...

Since you married him anyways knowing his faults, that means that you told yourself, "Hey, these faults aren't too bad, I can live with this", all too often when there is a new baby in the picture, it's hard to figure out and find a balance with change in dynamics of the relationship.  We then look at our friend's husbands, ex boyfriends, friends and tell ourselves that if we were with them instead of our current husband things would be different... but would they really?  Maybe they would be different, but would it be better?  I don't think so!  If you talk to ten women in the first 6 months of motherhood and ask them how things are going? Does your significant other help?  At first, we all say yes, everything is great. My husband is great and very supportive ( of course we'll all say that b/c who wants to tell a total stranger that things are not as great as we thought it would be?)  but once you get to talking and one mom opens up about some challenges, everything chimes in and hey, what do you know... We all seem to be married to the same man... the facial features, height, general appearance may be different, but the behavior, attitude, comments, actions are generally the same.

SO, if they are all the same - which we have already figured out, then why would you think that if you were with someone else things would be different? 
Let's say that you're husband doesn't do the dishes or help with household chores, if he was like this before the baby, you can bet the farm that he'll be like this or even worse in the first year...  but on the other hand he's really good with the gardening & fixing things around the house. So maybe you're thinking of kicking your hubby out and getting together with someone who does the dishes and helps around the house... well guess what, he doesn't fix things, nor does he do the gardening... so now what? do you then start looking for someone who will do both?  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!  There are no perfect men out there.  There are people with whom we are compatible, and if you had this before the baby, have patience, invest in counseling, talk, work it through... it will get better and we all go through it. 

On a personal note, there were times when I thought to myself, this sucks, this is not what I signed up for, I thought it would be different, maybe it would be different if... but then I remember that I LOVE my husband, I was crazy about him before the baby, hormones, stress, sleep deprivation and the huge responsibility of taking care of a new baby can make us new moms think and act in crazy ways... I personally thank my husband for putting up with some of my very, very hormonal completely irrational days.  And I thank Masha (one of our members) for reminding me that even though I have expectations that aren't being met, so does my hubby b/c whether we want to admit or not, we have changed too and maybe their expectations are not being met.

I'm not saying that these are our issues only, of course there are things that we would like our husbands to do differently, and I do believe that our husbands need to be more supportive to us during the first year, but we do not know what they are thinking, we can only control and better ourselves. Once we have coping strategies and support in place it's a lot easier to communicate and work through challenges.  There is a great support group for new fathers called Focus On Father's. It's a support group for dads with children 0-18 months.  This is a great way for dads to meet with other new dads and also realize that "hey, my wife is not the only one having difficulty". It can be reassuring to dads to know that other dads are going through similar problems as well.

Just a reminder that these postings are based on relatively happy relationships before the baby arrived and these are just my thoughts on some of the reasons why we shouldn't make any rash decisions in the first year. If you are in an extremely unhappy relationship, it's best to get professional help because the best thing for our babies are happy, mentally healthy parents.

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