Life With A Baby - The "perfect" husband award

Monday, July 19, 2010 11:21 AM

Message # 386222

Claire (Administrator)

Are you married? Do you sometimes wonder how everyone else can have such a perfect marriage when you are debating the pros and cons of having a divorce?

I was out the other day at a b-day party and it just felt that everyone was talking about how great their husband is and how lucky they were and all the wonderful things their husbands do... and I just wanted to puke! not because I was jealous but b/c I know for a fact that four of them were lying through their teeth but they wanted to impress the other women who they had just met. The sad thing is one lady really truly thought that everyone's husband was AMAZING except for hers and she went to the washroom crying. I think we do a huge disservice to each when we pretend for the sake of saving face. I'm not saying don't share the great things our partners do, but be honest! don't tell stories that aren't true and if you are going to boast about the good, then share the bad as well. We can support and help each other this way.

So, here is my "perfect" marriage story:
It's been three years and it seems my husband & I have still adjusting to the changes in our relationship after having our daughter. We were soo compatible before but now I find we argue about the household chores a lot. I love my husband and don't want to get a divorce, but sometimes I find myself thinking when is it going to be great again. When are we going to be able to be compatible like we were before?

A lot of our issues are due to cultural differences - to illustrate, this is a real conversation:
Me: I don't enjoy housework, I don't enjoy doing the dishes
Hubby: I can see that, but you should
Me: Do you enjoy doing the dishes?
Hubby: that's not the point. I do them
Me: but, answer the question do you enjoy doing them
hubby: Well, no it's not an enjoyable thing... I guess no one enjoys it.
Me: then why do you get upset when I admit I don't enjoy doing housework
Hubby: Well, you are the woman, you should enjoy doing it!

at this point I shook my head, and ended the conversation - we've had this type of conversation before about what women are supposed to do and what men are supposed to do.

For me, it get's very frustrating! My parents raised us telling us, we can be whatever we want. Women and men are equal and we don't have to spend our days doing 'womans" work. etc, etc...I heard this again at school and all through my adolescent years... I grew up in Canada, my husband did not... I knew It was going to be difficult for us when after having our daughter and the issue of the housework came up he said to me ... well, you are wife and a mother now, this is what you are supposed to do - REALLY? jeez, I wish someone had told me that BEFORE I got married! lol :-)

The sad, part for him is he really believed that and we never discussed it before even though we were together 3 years before getting married. We just never assumed this would be a problem. We were doing everything 50/50 and I thought it would stay that way - but he was just waiting for when we had a family so he would have to stop doing all the housework. Now we both have the deal with the reality and put away the expectations

I love my husband, I love my family - but I'm still trying to find the right balance - I guess that's why people are always saying marriage is hard work! When I talk to people who have been married for 30-50 years... they tell me I am going to laugh about these little fights later - I really hope so.

What's your story? I know you have one so share!

Monday, July 19, 2010 3:54 PM

Reply # 386372 on 386222

Tunde

LOL, I am not perfect, and come on who is perfect, my husband certainly is not! BUT he is great! Great with the kids, great helping me out! ANYTIME GREAT! Well, when we had our first child it was new to us and I can definetly see the change we both went through over the years...now with Riley my second child...I always get a lot ofh help from him He odes nto think for a minute is it MY job to take care of the house etc...but again it is my job, I chose to stay home with the so it is me who has to the chores. Mind you he does help me clear the table, vacum if I ask him and he is more than happy to do it! BUT only if I ask him. If I have a busy day with the kids he would willingly go the my groceries at night - myabe he just wants to escape, but hey, I do not have to. he does not clean, he tidies up, I WOULD RATHER load the dishwasher ( could not train him yet ) since he starts it half full! He does not cook and can not...lol...But seriously it is a compramise all the way trhough....we have a good balance, yeas sometimes I wish he was at home more, or helped me more but we are both doing a great jib. I am really not bosting here at all.We have bad days and good days, and sometimes I wish I had a cook a nanny etc because I think he does not help, but he does, We need to focus on the positive in our relationship and communicate all the time. Does not matter how old the kids are or how long have you been married, communications is the key. Yes I know people too who thinks and say theay have the perfect husband or relations hip but there is no such thing if you ask me. We can all work well together we just need to listen to each other. When you get marriead and decide to have kids it is not aonly the wfie who decides on it, it takes two people, and if you have a hubby who becomes a father make that person have responsibilites too. Change the diaper, pick up some toys, he does nto have to do everything but try to help out a little. And praise each other so you know they are appreciated, give some encouragment. We all have little fights, arguments but marriage is work...but it is fun! :)

There are people who are not real ( I am too honest and bold ) and will lie to your face. So just do not pay attention. Know that you and your partner are the best for each other and it is work , but make it fun, share thoughts talk a lot so you know how you both feel!

Hope my blabber makes sense.

ps: I scrapbook a lot, when I can anyway, so 2 weeks after Riley's birth ( I could barely move still ) My dear Hubby tried to get rid of me.. go out have some alone time! Yerah right, I am sore, I am tired, I am BF-ing! Leave me alone, will ya! I just want to stay home.

I love my husband...

Friday, July 23, 2010 2:49 AM

Reply # 388686 on 386222

Lori

Your post is awesome, wait until next year's party, all those ladies with so called " perfect husbands" will probably be divorced, lol. Lets face it men and woman are very different and marriage takes work if you want it to work out. My husband used to do everything himself when he lived alone, cooking, cleaning etc. When he moved in with me he started saying honey "where are my soccer shorts and what is for dinner lol. Will he help me sure if i ask him he will do anything with no problem or bad attitude Sometimes its much easier to do it yourself. Needles to say noone is perfect but your post is so funny and we can all relate

Friday, July 23, 2010 10:54 PM

Reply # 389215 on 386222

Kimberly

Funny, I seem to see exactly the opposite of what you see Claire....I always see so may women bitching about the bad things their husbands do that it actually makes the guys look worse than they are. I'll even admit I do it too. I don't usually talk about the "good" things my hubby does, but when he does something wrong the whole world knows it....then people start to thinkh hes a bad guy cause all they hear is the negative, but really hes a great guy that happens to piss me off sometimes!

And slap Denys for the "you're a woman" comment for me will ya?

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