Living up to my own expectations is hard. I beat myself up about nearly everything. Laundry not done (where is that pair of warm tights, again?), no dinners planned for the week (will be scrambling for dinner ideas. Again), house is a war zone (can't see the kitchen counter. Again). 

And again, and again. Everyday, I give up just a little. Here and there. Until one day, those little give-ups built up to one big disaster.  How did my mom do it, I wonder, have the house clean, the dinner cooked, the laundry done (AND ironed, not just folded, underwear included). 

So many times I feel like I would need the energy of the universe to allow me to complete the tasks I set for myself each day. And for crying out loud, these are simple tasks. It's not like I'm Angelina Jolie: 

08:00 am - teleconference with the World Health Organization 

09:15 am - take a shower

10:00 am - adopt a child from Kenya

11:00 pm - hop on a plane to Syria

12:15 pm - give a talk to United Nations

05:00 pm - cook a fully organic dinner for my 17 children. From scratch.

Saving the world and looking fabulous. That's not me. I just want to have a nice day, where I get to take a shower, and maybe even shave. Feed the kids a good dinner, with salad, and have a meaningful conversation besides "stop picking your nose". 

Most days, I'm ok. I get to have at least one or two moments of pure joy with my kids. Simple things are awesome. Oh, you learned to spell three letter words! THAT IS AWESOME! 

And that's perfectly alright. On most days, I have a system in place which I follow, and that keeps be sane.  

But there are some days, dark days, where Dementors lurk at every corner, shadows swallow me whole, and the world is a bleak, purposeless place. On those days, I unbraid all the threads of my "system", watch my self-esteem plummet, question the purpose of my existence, and generally feel like a stinking turd. 

On those days I loose my cool. I bathe myself in self loathing and self pity.  I become guarded and on the defensive. I hurt. I yell. My kids see me withdraw into myself and that makes me feel even worse. 

How to remedy those days? Is this normal, to feel like this? Am I dramatizing? Am I spoiled? Do I have too much time on my hands and thus over analyze? Am I depressed? Why do I hurt?

Those same things that I cherish, I resent: children, a house in the suburbs, maternity leave.  

"No freedom!", my self conscious says to me. "Children killed your freedom!". 

"A house in the suburbs is the death of social scene. Nothing happens in the suburbs except Saturday garage sales."

"Maternity leave is killing your career. Good work, dear, trading the office for changing diapers, trading the board meeting for Mother Goose class at the local community centre.  Your brain is turning into mush."

The constant internal negative monologue is exhausting. It leaves me gasping for air. On those dark days, I roll into bed at the end of the day, completely devoid of any positive feelings. I've got no hope for tomorrow. 

It took me some time to realize that I feel like this, and that feeling like this is cyclical. Maybe even hormonal, I can't be sure, but I will speak to my doctor about it. And it took me some time to come up with a system that helps me get back to normal, to come back to balance. 

For starters, I recognize that it's fine to not live up to my expectations.  Really, it's fine. In the grand scheme of things, a week's worth of take out dinners, or wrinkled laundry is not a big deal; it's but a drop in the ocean. 

Then I let myself think of all the good things I've recently done.  Like having a good conversation about feelings with my kid. Or watching my older daughter play with and shower my younger one with pure love.  She learned that from someone.  

Then I try to rein back my negativity and stop feeling like a small, insignificant grain of sand; I try to regain my perspective.  "You are in a waiting room of sorts", I tell myself, "it's a place where you won't end up, but you're momentarily passing through".  That often helps with feelings of resignation, and doom.  This too, shall pass, I tell myself.

Lastly, I give myself a break by doing something fun. Today, I made flower centrepieces in anticipation of spring. Because I'm awesome like that. And I shared a bottle of Chianti with my hubby. Cause he's awesome too.

I forgive myself. And I move on. Again, and again.

Hi Everyone,

My name is Jessica and Alexia asked me to share my story b/c quite a few moms have some post partum issues, but are too scared to tell anyone because we don't want to be judged.

I have a daughter who was born in July 2007 and my life has never been the same. In the first month I wanted to scream all the time, how could this happen to me, I have a great husband, a new baby, a house, bla bla all the things that I thought would make me happy, but then I had a baby and everything just changed.  I became sad, there was no hope. I was living in a sad, desolute place.

First month - Complete Hopelessness
There were times when I thought I was going to drive off a bridge, the baby cried all the time, I always smelled like baby puke... I hated my life

Second Month - The month of Questions
When is it going to get easier, isn't it supposed to be easier, when am I going to get happy?  Can someone please take her, I don't want her anymore, Why did I do this? What is someone takes her and give her back to me in a couple months?  Where is all the support I was supposed to have? What happened to my husband?  Why is he such a jerk? Why is he drinking all the time? Why won't my mother-in-law go away? Why are all the other moms so happy?

Third Month - I am a failure
Here I have a perfectly healthy, innocent baby and I cannot love her, I cannot stop crying, I am a failure, all the other moms are better moms, I am not a good mom. Everyone would be better off if I wasn't around.

Fourth Month - Okay I got four hours of sleep
All I really remember about this month is that I got FOUR hours of sleep. This was a good day, I have hope, maybe things will get better, maybe she will decide that she will start sleeping longer. What did I do different, okay I have to keep doing that?  I see a light at the end of the tunnel

Fifth Month - Oh Crap! She is waking up again
Did you know that they use sleep deprivation as torture?  This is torture!!! why did she wake up three times last night? What did I do differently, at this point I started keeping a food diary & schedule to see if there is any pattern depending on the amount of food she has - and I realize there is NO pattern, this sucks!!! what am I supposed to do? I need sleep... at this point I start swearing a lot. I start getting pissed off at everyone who told me - "oh it's the best experience ever, you will have so much fun" LIARS!  I hate you all for lying to me.

Sixth Month - I met Alexia
Don't worry she said, it happens to the best of us, maybe not in the same extent, but lack of sleep will do that to you.  Why don't you go to the Transition to Parenting class, it will help you.  So I did and I met lots of moms who are in the same situation. We are not bad moms, we are just having a rough time, it will get better.  Just knowing that there were other people out there who weren't SUPER MOM and I wasn't the only one made a hugh difference for me.

Seventh Month - I LOVE my baby
Oh wow, I love my baby,  I feel better. I have mostly good days now, I still have bad days, but I decided to take some medication. Depression is an illness and someone told me that that if someone had diabetes they would take insulin, so the same happens with Depression, it needs to be treated. I finally got treatment and my life has turned around. I still have bad days, days that I cry, but they are happening less and less.

Eight Months to Now - Its one day at a time
Some days are good, some days are not so good, there seems to be always something, teething, growth spurt, tummy upset, fever, cold... this is life now. This is motherhood and I really do enjoy it. I would be happy to get some sleep, she still only sleeps five hours max. But I am coping and considering how far I came, I am happy with where I am now.

I hope that by sharing I was able to reach out to someone.