Since I started writing this blog, I’ve been getting the following question: is your husband okay with you writing this stuff? What if someone he knows reads it? Well, my hubby and I are very honest with each other – sometimes to the point where I wonder is honesty is really the best policy, but that is why we are so compatible and he knows my feelings about pretty much everything, so if I was to complain about him, he would be okay with it. I don’t think any husband really believes that his wife never complains about him. We are secure enough with our relationship and our commitment to each other that anything I write or say about our struggles during the first year of parenthood will be honest but respectful.
With that in mind, the next reason not to divorce your husband in the first year is that perspectives become skewed and we no longer see things the same which affect the way we communicate with each other. Love is blind and when you have a baby, the rose coloured glasses come off and you see your world in a whole new light… a personal example, my hubby is a perfectionist, he expects the best from himself and he expects the best from me … before baby, no problem, during the first year of new baby, big problem, now that our daughter is 17 months, again no problem. It took me 16 months to be okay with my husband the perfectionist. He has been a perfectionist for 30 years. He tried really hard to be understanding and accept the fact that I was no longer the same - but it was hard for him. It is hard for all new dads, boyfriends, husbands to come to terms with how different things are once the baby is born. We had almost a year to get used to the baby, so I figure we should at least give them the same amount of time to get use to the changes. In the first few months, one of the things I used to love most about my husband became the thing I hated most about him. I knew I had to do something to get the closeness we had before our daughter. So we go out together every Saturday night (date night), we schedule a talk & watch TV together on Wednesday nights, basically we’re trying to spend more time together, we are falling in love with each other the way we are now, ( not the way we were before) we are both different now, we will never be the way we were before, but we can be better, so give yourself and your husband the time to fall in love with each other.
If you were happy before the baby and you really think that you are compatible and right for each other, do whatever you have to do the get the relationship back on track, invest in counseling, go to support groups, talk about your issues. You are not alone, all new parents go through this… give yourself and your husband the time to adjust to the new dynamics of your relationship.
Why am I writing about what we (moms) can do, well for one thing, we cannot control what anyone else does, but someone has to make the first move, the first compromise, the first effort in order to get things back on track – in the end, it really doesn’t matter who makes the first move, the important thing is that the relationship gets better.