putting your marriage first

  • Monday, August 16, 2010 9:49 PM
    Message # 403997
    my dh and i are having an adjustment period with our kids.  we have 2 girls (2.5 years and 7 months) and spend so much time on them that we are forgetting to put us first!  we are exhausted after they go to bed, and from their whining/crying bouts.  they are good girls mind you, but we just find ourselves talking more and more about "our life before kids".  anyone else experiencing this? we try to have date nights, but everytime we leave the girls with my mil, she says the youngest cries all the time, and i feel so guilty that she does that with my mil.  i just long for the day we can go on a vacation again!
  • Tuesday, August 17, 2010 12:08 AM
    Reply # 404098 on 403997
    Deleted user
    I'm right with you Sonja. Sometimes we would dream of living our creative pursuits, or partying with like-minded people, or dong some extreme sports... NOW.... feeling like we've lost 20 years of our lives.  But then again, its not all that bad.  Suck it in, we'd tell ourselves, we wanted kids!  And like anything else in this whole universe, its just a phase. 

    Its good that you manage a date night with dear husband (that's what' "dh" meant, right? I'm so ignorant), and feeling guilty with the baby crying at gramma's is just something you have to learn to unlearn.  You're doing something for your marriage and that's keeping the spark alive. For me, its as important as keeping the kids healthy and safe.  Remember, happy parents make for happy kids!

    Oh, how about some unsolicited tips from me to you in keeping your marriage exciting.  You could probably add this to your list as well.
    1. Put a lock on your bedroom door ~ oh yeah, big time.
    2. Hold hands during family times ~ can be nostalgic like when we first started dating
    3. Hug a ton, kiss a ton ~ even in front of the kids; or especially in front of the kids. it has this effect that being seen as a happy couple your kids would feel secure. but make it the more appropriate one.  LOL
    4. Call each other during the day ~ hi honey I can still smell your cologne
    5. Meet after your kids are tucked in bed ~ late night shows or movie can suffice while cuddled up together under a huge blanket
    6. Some lunch dates while your kids are in school or daycare
    7. Continue that frequent date night, once or twice a month. The kids will get used to it in no time and no more crying at grammas. ;)

    I agree with you that marriage can and in many ways come first!

  • Wednesday, September 01, 2010 1:17 AM
    Reply # 411674 on 403997
    Deleted user
    This is too good a topic that I remembered it when one of my friends asked me a question tonight, "Whose side are you on when your husband and your mother gets into an argument?"  Although that never happened to me/us, I told him, in theory, that I would my husband and explained it from the tales of the old kinda wisdom and philosophy.  Would you say that's considerable?
  • Monday, September 20, 2010 1:10 AM
    Reply # 421195 on 403997
    You may also want to get this book called Baby Proofing your marriage - a good friend recommended it to me and when you read it you will see that everything it talks about is true. 
    It does talk about making time for each other and especially for sex.  It says that men need sex and women need men to do more around the house, if you have more sex, he will do more around the house  - it is a humorous approach to keeping the marriage going.

    It also talks about all the fights you will have while raising your children and how to try and cope/manage your relationship and your fights.

    good luck
  • Monday, September 20, 2010 9:54 AM
    Reply # 421323 on 403997
    Deleted user
    I seem to remember that book.... cover with cheerios on it, right?  They say its written not by professionals but by regular folks like us who made a wonderful collection and citation of experiences from their own and other couples.  This could be a nice and fun read.
  • Wednesday, October 27, 2010 11:30 PM
    Reply # 452539 on 403997
    sonja meehan wrote:my dh and i are having an adjustment period with our kids.  we have 2 girls (2.5 years and 7 months) and spend so much time on them that we are forgetting to put us first!  we are exhausted after they go to bed, and from their whining/crying bouts.  they are good girls mind you, but we just find ourselves talking more and more about "our life before kids".  anyone else experiencing this? we try to have date nights, but everytime we leave the girls with my mil, she says the youngest cries all the time, and i feel so guilty that she does that with my mil.  i just long for the day we can go on a vacation again!

    I think my problem is even worse....I LOVE putting all my time and energy in to my son...and when he goes to bed I am more than happy to relax on my own and have "me" time...this however does not leave time for my hubby... He likes to bring up the "remember when we used to do this?" or says "why cant we go back to how things were...just with a baby now?" He loves our son but I think he resents the time I put into my son. Im happy with the way things are...I feel like we will have our time when the baby is older....its not that I dont love my husband...but I dont want to change things right now. Also every time we do spend couple time together he wants to have sex and my libdo has gone on an extended vacation so tat just annoys me.
  • Thursday, November 04, 2010 3:30 PM
    Reply # 456460 on 403997
    sonja meehan wrote:my dh and i are having an adjustment period with our kids.  we have 2 girls (2.5 years and 7 months) and spend so much time on them that we are forgetting to put us first!  we are exhausted after they go to bed, and from their whining/crying bouts.  they are good girls mind you, but we just find ourselves talking more and more about "our life before kids".  anyone else experiencing this? we try to have date nights, but everytime we leave the girls with my mil, she says the youngest cries all the time, and i feel so guilty that she does that with my mil.  i just long for the day we can go on a vacation again!


    Hi - we also have a 3 year old and a 6 month old and my hubby and I have run into so many issues.... as  alot of members have said, once the children are in bed i am too exhausted to talk let alone have sex.... but that all changed.

    i dont mind sharing with you, that we started going to marriage counselling, and its the best thing that we ever did, i would hate it to get to the stage when we just exist together in the house.... and that is where we were heading, there was lots of resentment between us (if you can go out and do that why cant i) each of us always fighting for more 'me' time, but with the help of our consellor we are now working as a team and having sex again :-) things are definitely a lot better between us and when you feel valued you want to do more for them and when they are feeling appreciated (and your intimate with each other) he will want to do more to help you too.

    the way you have to think is, that if you have a happy marriage then you will have a happy family, your relationship HAS to be the most important thing, esp as you will be teaching your children how to love and be loved and how a partnership works. Once your children leave home, and they will, you still need to have a relationship with your husband.

    i am waffling now, anyway, we were going to counselling every week and now we go once a month just as a refresher, as sometimes in our busy lives this is the only hour that we get to communicate.

    Also, there is nothing wrong with communicating with each other over the phone, text or email, at least you are still communicating - and sometimes you have to schedule 'intimate' times.

    as for your little one crying at your MIL's - maybe you could ask her not to let you know what happens when you are there, i know that might sound harsh, my mum adopts the same policy. she always reassures me that my daughters are ok, of course they are ok... and you need this special time together, to remember why you got together before children.

    Funnily enough, before we had my youngest daughter we left my then 18 month old with my parents and went to the Dominican for a weeks vacation, it was brilliant - for the first 3 days, and then i just wanted to come home to her. So now we stick to just nights out or the odd hotel stay over :-)

    good luck - its hard work juggling all these relationships but as you know worth it in the end

    thanks Jenn

  • Monday, September 10, 2012 10:24 PM
    Reply # 1069173 on 403997
    I am looking for a good family counsellor, but would like a recommendation for someone. I feel that we are in the same sort of rut. 


    thanks

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