Stop telling us we are doing it wrong

Wednesday, February 24, 2016 10:48 AM | Claire (Administrator)

Hey Media & Parenting experts: Stop Telling Us We Are Doing It Wrong

When the Maclean's article came out this past January, (The collapse of parenting: Why it’s time for parents to grow up) I had to check in with myself. Am I, as a parent, doing it wrong? Are they talking about me? Because some of the behaviours described in the article are so generalized, I’m sure we can all see our kids acting in the same manner.

I look at my kids who choose to go outside and play instead of sitting inside glaring at their screens, who speak multiple languages, who are social, polite, and who love to try new things. But they are also four and eight years of age and have acted up at the mall or grocery store. I’ve had to walk out of a restaurant with them because they were having a tantrum. NEWSFLASH: Kids have misbehaved throughout every generation of parenting, not just this one.

And I get it, the article isn’t addressing me. Chances are, if you met me and my kids, you would think I'm doing it right. Because you probably are all caught up in the “good mom myth”. Even though you proclaim to not judge what a good mom is based on generalized behaviours, YOU DO. Just search parents ruining their kids on Google. You are judging us in articles every day! I do get it, I am not the demographic you are talking to, but I'm the one you are reaching; the mom who is trying to be a better parent everyday, who reads books on parenting, who is looking for ways to raise good citizens. This is who is reading your articles, and you are not helping.

The parenting landscape has changed. That is all. Our mistakes and challenges on the journey are more visible to you – THAT is all.

Kids in one generation are not that much different from the other. The styles of parenting may look different and may be more visible now, but just because you can see it more, that doesn’t mean it was not that way to some extent before.

So instead of making blanket statements on how much we are ruining our kids, and how wrong we are, write tips and strategies to help parents manage better.

All this article does is make parents anxious while failing to reach the parents who are “doing it wrong”. The people who are reading it and worrying are the moms who are already doing enough and may now become worried they are doing it wrong.

We look up to you, the media and parenting professionals. We read your books, follow your advice and now we read from you how bad we are at parenting.

Writing about it doesn't change behaviour, it's just another way of saying "I did it better than you".

Tell us how to do it right. Don't tell us how wrong we are doing it, tell us how to improve.

What are you doing about it? Are you providing parenting education? Are you running support groups? If all you are doing is harping on the fact that we are doing it wrong, but doing nothing about it, offering no resources, YOU are a part of the problem.

Some things to consider:

· We are your children, the generation of parents who did it "right" have children who are more prone to mental health challenges than any generation before - so stop telling us how well you did.

· We are trying to do it right. We are trying to do it differently than the way you did. The execution may be flawed in your opinion but we have much less freedom with parenting that you did.

· We are parenting in a time when people call the children’s aid society or the police when a mom leaves her child at the park alone. So try to remember that we are parenting in a completely different world than the one you did.

· We are parenting in a time when the parents are being blamed for everything, whatever happens, it’s the parents’ fault.

· You put a lot of pressure on us that we will ruin our kids. In every article, in every conversation, you say how the generation today is worse than the one before, which is scientifically incorrect. There have been many changes and a tons of things we are also doing right. Even for your standards, you have to admit we are doing a lot right.

Stop being so judgmental, superior, and sure that you know the right way to parent. Every generation will make mistakes. How lucky for you, the generation previous to yours didn't have the ability to reach the masses and guilt YOU into feeling like you were doing it wrong.

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Comments

Thursday, February 25, 2016 1:53 PM | Tanya

I actually found Macleans article funny. The reason for that was that it was a mix of confused or exaggerated statements and old sentiment that kids today are the worst that they have ever been. How old is this sentiment? Well, here is one quote:“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.” This was written by.... Socrates who died in 399 BC :) I read this quote when I was a teen and a lot of older people were telling us, how we were SO disrespectful, entitled and how different youth used to be. Basically, it seems that the youth has been degrading since the begging of time... Or maybe it's just that to older folks it always seems so. Maybe it's just that once you are older you are looking at things from a different perspective and it seems that the youth is different? Or maybe it's some sort of jealousy that you are no longer a part of the young world and it's a difference mechanism for the older people to view youth as bad? I don't know. All I know is that every generation has said something about youth becoming the "worst ever" and yet our society has survived thus far. The society does change and that change starts with the youth and maybe it's scary for older people to be left out with everything changing around them, so they try to bring back "the good old days". The funny part is that my dad was the one who first told me about Socrates' views on the youth of his times and now twenty years later, he keeps telling me, how we are raising our kids wrong and how it will ruin their lives. I wonder what I will be saying in 30 years?? :) To be honest I doubt, that parents and kids have changed all that much. There have always been Permissive parents, Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Uninvolved. In this article that they seem to have merged all parenting styles as one and just comment on all shortcomings from all different styles, which just makes no sense. To me it seems that their logic is extremely flawed and has no true basis or any sort of research behind it. Just someone trying to make a lot of loud but meaningless statements that sound smart, but boil down to what Socrates was worried about. I would ignore this article or any other of this type and just focus on trying to raise good people, who know what it feels to be loved, respected and who know where the limits are to the best of my abilities.

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- Saturday, February 27, 2016 7:35 PM | Claire (Administrator)
  
  Absolutely agree. I remember hearing it when I was a child as well. Grandparents telling my parents that kids today are spoiled, and don't respect elders etc...
  
  I guess it will just keep going. I wonder if I will hear myself saying it to my kids one day?
  
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Thursday, February 25, 2016 4:28 PM | KW

I feel the article was well written and had a lot of good advice. It was not an attack on "kids these days ". It is simply saying parents need to be the role model and guide for their children. It recognized that this is very difficult sometimes. The alternative is that our kids will follow the lead of their peers and the media. It is certainly true that the media has a greater influence on this generation then on any previous so parents now have to be even more diligent to influence our children.

It is a sound warning from a reliable source. I have personally read he works of Gordon Neufeld and I recommend it to all parents. It explains all aspects of attachment parenting from the ground up and I wish I had read it when my children were younger.

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- Saturday, February 27, 2016 7:36 PM | Claire (Administrator)
  
  I love Gordon Neufeld! My thing with the article is that from the get-go it was judgmental. Which just makes readers defensive and reduces any chance of taking away any good points. For the most part though the theme was parents are ruining their kids.
  
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Friday, February 26, 2016 6:03 PM | Nicole

Sorry I have to disagree with this blog. I think Mclean's article is well written and spot on. I didn't find I was being attacked or criticized. I didn't find it to be judgmental or superior. Au contraire, I found the article very helpful and insightful to the reality of today's kids/parents.

I found this response to the article defensive and whiny to be honest, which I believe is a reflection of some of the parents these days; overly defensive about their parenting, their kids and cannot take to criticism well. Some parents just really need to chill.

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- Saturday, February 27, 2016 7:39 PM | Claire (Administrator)
  
  I'm not sure from your response if you have young children. Either way it's clear you are in the camp of "I did it right, and parents today are doing it wrong".
  
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